This blog post goes out to the Quora user who asked, “Turning 30 soon, no accomplishment and I feel like a total failure. What can I do?” When I came across this post, I thought huh… I am hitting my big 3-0 in a few days and I definitely feel like I could be doing better at my age.
Upon doing a deep dive on these feelings of lack of accomplishment, I came to the realization that being 30 and feeling like a failure is more common than we think. We millennials stress out a lot and we can be pretty hard on ourselves… Overcoming these feelings of “failing at life” is not a one-size-fits-all answer to everyone, but these are 7 steps toward shifting your mindset.
Millennials Tend To Be Pretty Hard On Themselves…
A Harvard Business Review Article about millennials said it best:
“We are a generation that is ruthlessly comparing ourselves with those around us and our role models at the same time. And if we are not doing something exceptional or don’t feel important and fulfilled for what we are doing, we have a hard time.”
It almost seems that all my millennial friends have some form of anxiety or another and most of them need to be on medication to manage their anxiety. It is fascinating and heartbreaking at the same time to see how many of us struggle with anxiety, impostor syndrome and an overall feeling of unfulfillment. (I am not the exception…).
Ok, don’t get me wrong. I am not here to victimize our generation. We are a very strong, fun, and amazing generation! However, in all honesty, if someone you know tells you you are doing an amazing job, will you believe it? You may take the compliment but deep inside you feel like it is not true because again, you are being way too hard on yourself.
Uniquely, pushing yourself to be better, is also a great thing to do! You always want to evolve to be the best version of yourself. That is how we go for our dreams and accomplish things that we didn’t think were possible. Knowing what you want and working hard to get it is a very rewarding feeling. But there is a fine line between not being where you want to be and flat out feeling like you have failed in life.
Sometimes All You Need Is A Refresh…
Learn how you can take a step back and get your life together in 90 days!
7 Steps Toward “Failure Zone” Recovery
Mental health concerns, depression, and anxiety are very real ailments. If you are experiencing any mental health disorders you may want to visit a health professional. I just wanted to share my experience dealing with feelings of failure and how I am (still) learning to overcome them. This may help you too.
1. Stop comparing yourself to others.
First things first, this is a piece of advice that you may have heard from one too many people. Now you are hearing it again and think, “Well darn, how do I not compare myself if those around me are so successful?” Yes, it’s so easy to make yourself look small around others and truth is, you will never stop comparing yourself to others… That’s right, you will never stop comparing yourself to others. This is such a human emotion. It is alright to feel a little jealousy once in a while, it’s healthy. However, you must not let it consume you. Embrace it instead!
If you are comparing yourself to others, you are probably feeling like they accomplished more than you in lesser time. You could have been there but you aren’t. A great way to shift your mindset is to use them as your inspiration. That is what you want to become and what you will strive towards. In other words, develop an objective view of the situation and think about how that person’s circumstances were different to yours. Maybe they had a little bit more help than you did. Maybe they just had a spontaneous stroke of luck. Every single person’s life story is different.
Now that you finally realized that that person is in a completely different place from yours, take a look inwards. Who were you the day before? Have you improved something? Did you wake up a little earlier, did you cook a nice meal? Did you finally finish a project at work? That little shift in your way of thinking can have a big impact and prevent you from falling into that rabbit hole of thinking that others are better than you.
2. Give Yourself Some Credit
*Insert Perfect Segway*: Now that you have realized that comparing yourself to others is not great, learn to give yourself a pat on the back. What have you accomplished so far? (Quick! Grab a piece of paper and write them down). Think about every possible thing you have done right. We can’t all be Marie Curie over here. We can’t all make breakthroughs in radioactivity studies. But we all can make an impact one way or another. Just the other day my husband invited his friends for dinner and I made a killer meal. Does that sound like something big? NO, it isn’t but it made me proud and it made me happy to see everyone enjoying the meal.
Implementing this practice of giving yourself credit for even the smallest things will motivate you. A great way to do this is by journaling. Learn some great ways to journal for self care and self discovery. It doesn’t have to be difficult, just think about the ways that you may make yourself happy or make others around you happy. Just do this, celebrate 1 small win every day. Just one. Is this doable for you? Yes it is. I know you can do it!
3. Perform A Life Audit
Now that you feel all warm and fuzzy inside from thinking about your accomplishments, it’s time to come back down to Earth… Too bad not all in life is sunshine and rainbows. If you have this gnawing feeling that you have failed, there may be a very real gap in your life. Success is not a one-way street to everyone. Success doesn’t just mean that you have an amazing career or that you have started a family. However you need to determine what it is that you want in life. This my friends, is easier said than done, I know but it is doable.
Performing a life audit means that you reflect on every single area of your life. You see review your level of satisfaction in your relationships, health, mental health, professional life, and personal space. You can’t change your life all in simple step, you need to determine which area of your life needs the most attention first to start focusing on that first.
4. Start To Define Your Goals
Once you determine what you mostly need to work on in a specific area of your life, it will be easier to determine your goals. You need to start asking yourself some very difficult yet important questions:
- What have I done to get to where I am now?
- Is there something that has not worked so far and how can I change it?
- Is there a particular thing that I want to accomplish?
- What do I need to do to get to where I want to be?
Furthermore, you have to be very clear on what your goals are. Asking yourself these questions can help you draw a clear path on what you want to achieve. It’s never too late to point your life in the direction you want it to. Don’t give up and set those goals for yourself to thrive. Use this goal roadmap to create effective goals.
5. Evaluate Your Surroundings
Your surroundings play a very important role in your overall wellbeing and mental health. If you are in a situation where there are people having a negative influence over you, it is important that you identify them and try to find ways to fix those issues that are affecting you. I know that having your parents or someone you love tell you “you are a failure” is the most obvious situation. This can be very discouraging but it is important to not let these words get to you.
I won’t tell you, “Quit your job”, “Get away from the toxic people in your life”, “Get out of your relationship”. That’s the advice that you seem to hear everywhere nowadays and it is simply not realistic. On the other hand, something that is realistic is learning to set boundaries. If there is something in your life that is making you unhappy, try to reflect upon it and pinpoint what it is that is making you unhappy.
If it is your job and there are things you feel are unfair, try speaking up about them. On the contrary, if you don’t have a job and that is what is bringing you down, try to find something you do well and look into monetizing it. It is not easy but directing your energy into a project can help bring back hope rather than sulking around. If there is a person in your life bringing you down, try to speak up about how you feel and if that is not a possibility, create your own personal boundaries between them.
6. Define What Success Means To YOU
Now that you have completed steps 1 through 5, it is time to start visualizing what you actually want. Your romantic life, your professional life, your personal life, all of this is up to you. Nobody else can tell you what is right or wrong. You will definitely get suggestions especially from your nosey aunts about what you should and shouldn’t do. But ultimately, you decide.
Maybe after taking a closer look at your life, you realize that you have accomplished more than you thought you did. Or maybe there are a few things left to do but you are willing to put the work in. Society and media have kind of created an ideal scenario of what a successful life looks like but the truth is that everyone lives very different lives and what may look like not a big accomplishment to someone, may be a big one to someone else. It is all relative so it is time for you to determine your success level.
There are people who strive to have a happy family rather than have a shiny career. Some people prefer to live out in the country and others who prefer to live in a bustling city. What do YOU want for yourself? What would make you feel accomplished? Once you determine this, you are ready to take the next steps. (And don’t take to social media for inspiration… Try to determine this for yourself)
7. Make A Life Plan
This wouldn’t be a planning blog without me suggesting making a plan, right? Jokes aside, mapping out how you are going to accomplish something really helps give you a sense of purpose and direction. Your life plan is a sketch of the things you want to create, accomplish, experience, and enjoy. Really set time aside to create a plan out of what you want to accomplish and give yourself a timeframe.
You Can Do This!
Get out there and get out of that schlump you’re in. I don’t know you but I can picture you reading this and know that you are doing amazing things and probably don’t even realize it. (Hey you managed to keep that plant alive didn’t you?) Ok, maybe you didn’t, I have a black thumb too but I know that you are doing an incredible job. Continue being your beautiful self!
